Try it in slow motion.

Yeah! Wolverine is actually in this comic and on the cover! This is a bold, unprecedented move for the folks down at Marvel. But so is what we find inside. Yes, Marvel’s best and brightest heroes are given the royal treatment with a whirlwind comic fraught with confusing scenes, rushed and mangled story, and kart loads of writers convenience. This comic is in such a hurry that the reader has very little idea of what is going on and only a vague image of the purpose of the New Avenger’s mission. There are so many extra, unimportant, or unrelated events, stories, and extra stuff thrown in that my head still feels fuzzy just thinking about it. It doesn’t help at all that the artwork, though brilliantly drawn and colored, was smashed and compressed together in a nauseating way. The cells were arranged in such a bizarre fashion that I didn’t know where to look, and the crease in the page often obscured the important focus of cells. Not to mention the multitude of tiny cells completely covered by speech bubbles.

There truly is some cool stuff in here, don’t get me wrong, but reading this comic is like watching spastic cartoons in fast forward, and then having to take a test on them while being slapped in the face by sight obscuring bubbles of pointless and random speech. And what was the reason for everyone getting naked? What could possibly be the purpose? And what was with those laser chastity belt things? I mean, if you are going to make them naked, make them naked. It just seemed like a ridiculous and pointless amount of man muscle that looked all oily and took up the focus of several scenes. Don’t get me wrong, Spider-Woman is plenty hot, but I still don’t like to see even her pointlessly naked in what I expected to be a well-done comic. That’s armature stuff right there. And let me reiterate the focus on oily, half naked, muscled-up dudes. It makes me shutter just to think about it. Tone down the homo factor a notch or two. We are talking about Captain America here, not Fabio.

-Fumanchu